This morning. It was a disaster. I have so many moms and other folks comment on what a great mom I am and how I do so much....just going to be real right now. I am nothing. Seriously. I can barely get out of bed most mornings. If you had a window into my soul you would find a tangled mess of confusion, rejection, isolation, and pain. However, I'm not 16 anymore. Heck, I'm double 16 plus or minus a year. When did that happen? I am responsible for the molding, shaping, building up, and loving of 3 little boys that will soon become men who influence others. I can't afford to fail. Yet I do. Every day.
This morning.
I got up.
I greeted all three of my boys cheerily.
I dressed all three.
Changed 5 diapers in 40 minutes.
I rocked the baby countless times attempting to get him good and asleep.
I nursed him twice in an hour.
I started breakfast.
My (almost) 2 year old cried and whined unless I carried him while cooking.
He cried and whined and cried and whined.
Until he woke his brother.
Who began crying.
I put one in the high chair with hot cocoa (which was spilled everywhere in 2 minutes) and nursed the other.
Meanwhile half of breakfast burned.
I finally got the boys their food.
Then I needed to use the restroom.
I rushed them through their meal (because I would be bonkers to leave them unattended for 1 second with food).
I cried as I ran to the restroom.
I was hungry.
Thirsty.
Empty.
I could hear the baby crying.
I could hear the toddler whining.
I just wanted to escape.
That's when I remembered. I am nothing. I have nothing to offer my boys.
But.
I know the One that can give them everything they need. He is the One that rescued this tangled mess of a girl 17 years ago. He is the One that began a good work in me and is faithful and just to complete it. Sitting in our bathroom that smells like baby shampoo and pee, I asked Him to help me once again. This motherhood thing isn't something I excel at. Only with His guidance and constant indwelling can I do anything well.
I took a deep breath and walked back into the chaos. The crying was still loud, the baby still needed me, I was still hungry and thirsty....but knowing He was going to help me made it okay again. So, here is to room temperature coffee and cold eggs. To shredded patience and constant headaches. I rejoice in these things as they reveal opportunities for Him to shine through. If I remember to ask Him, He is faithful to pour out the oil of gladness and let me see this season for what it is: some of the very dearest and best days of my life.
Wholly Mom,
